Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I am one hot, sexy bundle of love.

About 2 1/2 years ago I decided that I needed to make some changes in my life. Not only externally, but internally as well. I had not idea how to change, nor did I have any perception of where I would end up. All I knew was that my way of thinking, living and interacting with people was not how I wanted it to be. I simply lived in a little bubble pretending to be something I wasn't. That was how it was for a while until I could no longer suppress the intensity of unease I felt in every cell of my body. 
So by graduation I finally I let go of everything. Decided that I was going to go for what I wanted and not let anyone stand in my way. I needed perspective of what life is all about. One huge life lesson I learned pretty quickly was that I can't escape how I feel inside. I need to own it and express it. Holding it in was eating me away and tearing at my core. This in turn made me realize that before I could start anything else in my life I had to create an inner peace first. Loving myself on the outside to create acceptance on the inside. No idea how I would do that though... 
Not Sure 
But life always gives you what you need. Although it took me a while to truly understand that inner peace isn't something I can deal with later. I have to actually devote my attention and time into creating it now. It won't just appear one morning. It's a process. And up until about six months ago I had no idea why I even tried to create inner peace so badly. I just felt like it was something I really needed to do. 
I had hear about books like "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle, and I think. What a load of crock. I think that kind of stuff is stupid. You make your own life what you want it to be by hard work. And loving yourself for who you are takes time and patience. Tools like looking in the mirror naked and telling yourself out loud that you are beautiful. So I Googled things like that and decided to give it a try. Now I had some tools to work with. Yay! 
Changing My World 
Although my inner peace and I are not 100%t connected yet, part of it is with me. And it's truly a wonderful, calm and happy place to see and experience the world from. A complete opposite from the world I lived in 2 1/2 years ago. It also shows me that it is indeed my inner state that creates my outer world. And opens up a whole lot of new opportunities I never thought possible. Because as I have changed from within - the world has changed with me. But I haven't changed the world - only how I perceive and interact with it. Which is what truly makes all the difference.

Still Learning
This isn't a story about a past revelation that occurred. It is a work in progress. My perception of myself is still very rocky. But deep down I know I am beautiful the way I am and I always will be. The only thing that needs to change is my health. I need to lose weight to be healthy, not happy.


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